Onward

I’m beginning this year hopeful. It’s been a long three years, and I have a lot to do. I’m focussing this year on doing things, which is something I’ve said multiple times last year as well. But this year, I’m working on fixing this.

I’ve been trying to work on how I solve problems, learning algorithms and data structures. This is something that’s been on my mind for a while. I’m a first principles learner, so learning without understanding will not work for me. I once thought it prudent to try and write a complete textbook on a topic in college instead of sitting and doing what I needed to ace an exam. Others might see that as a fallacy, but I see it as a personality trait that I need to hone.

I also want to hold back on being available. I have a bad habit of offering help even when the other person hasn’t asked me, and that has cost me my mental health. I need to hold back, stop being there for people who never asked. This includes friends who didn’t say they need me, and the kids I am currently mentoring. I’m going to hold back. This means no more asking how someone is doing, how someone is coping, how someone is faring. All those mean the same, but I’m leaving that as is.

It might sound cold, but perhaps that’s what I need. I need to focus on my own mental health for a while.

And that’s another topic. I’ve begun therapy. I’ve strongly suspected I have ADHD for the longest time, and I’ve sought the help of a local hospital for the associated tests. I’ve spoken to a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist so far, and I’m waiting for the results of several tests, including an MCMI, Beck’s Depression Inventory, Hamilton Depression Rating Scale, an ADHD Self-Report Scale Checklist. I have strong suspicions that it is ADHD, and I’m hoping I can find ways to cope with it.

I’ve never been good on things that require me to work normally. I mean I am horrible at doing repetitive tasks, or tasks I deem boring. I’m not good at working on easy problems, and this has been affecting how I work. I want to solve this. This has been annoying me for a long time, and I suspect this is what made working at Visa boring to me. I was not required to work on hard problems. This makes my todo-list really, really long. In fact, I have several dozen blog posts that are mere drafts because of this. I’d like to change that.

I don’t make resolutions, I never keep them. Instead I’m going to start 2022 with a prayer. A wish. Some hope. I hope I can follow through, figure out why I cannot focus on my plans. I want to be able to focus on writing once again, to be able to focus on what matters to me. I want to be able to write stories again, to code for fun once again, and to just have fun with life. I’ve not been able to do that for 3 years now. And I want to change that.