Learning to Swim

Fear

I am terrified of water tanks, stepped wells, regular wells, temple tanks, over head water tanks, monolithic statues partially or fully submerged. I’m not fully scared of oceans, rivers, ponds or lakes. What I have is termed submechanophobia, but oddly enough I’m not too scared of watching documentaries of the Titanic Wreck. I’m absolutely terrified of looking at even photos or videos of the former stuff though.

I’m beyond terrified of these things because in my ancestral home in Hampi, we have a well in the bathroom. This is par for the course for the older homes in South India - especially older homes of Brahmins (that’s a topic for later). We also had a water tank, one built out of brick and concrete in the bathroom. It was massive to my childhood self, and it was about 6ft x 6ft x 3ft (length, breadth, and height) in size.

I used to bathe in the open, in a makeshift washroom which was used to wash utensils, in fact, for almost my entire life, because my grandmother promised me that I could and no one could ever question my right to do so. The house now has two other bathrooms, so even though the water tank is long gone, broken apart at the behest of my grandmother and maternal aunt, I still do not enter because the well is still there, and I can see the tank in my imagination quite well.

One of my paternal aunt claims that when I was a child, she had once scared me by attempting to dunk me into that tank. She says this proudly (More on that in another post). I do not remember. All I remember whenever I think about tanks is death. Deeply terrifying death. Which is weird because I’ve assumed I do not fear death. I guess I am human after all.

Another thing I fear the most has something to do with the monolithic statues at Hampi. There is a Shiva Lingam in Hampi that I am absolutely terrified off. I visit it every time I go to Hampi. It is known as the Badava Lingam, and it is located next to the Narasimha statue near the entrance to the ruins. This phallic symbol absolutely terrifies me. I cannot look at photos of it, I sometimes have nightmares about it, and I randomly have a sinking feeling that wherever I am in the world, if I turn my head, I will see it. The reason I am so terrified of it is because of a Paternal Uncle who decided it was a great idea to make a 9 year old boy who was already terrified of wells to approach a barely-lit temple, which housed a 20 foot black monolith, surrounded by pitch-black water in the dusk. The temple does not have lights to this day, and this happened in 1998. I remember having to kneel down and being forced to touch the water so that I can put some on my head. I remember crying and telling him that I didn’t want to do this, but when have Indians known how to bring up a child?

From that day on, I had been terrified of the wells of Hampi, and of dimly-lit water bodies in general. I had never been near a stepped well, and I avoided that temple in particular for over 20 years. I visited it again, years later, when I read the Mahabharata by the Tungabhadra River, and I have visited the temple multiple times since. I don’t go close, I stay about 10ft away, but the last time I went there, in 2022, I asked the priest to pour some of the water on me. I stood closer, but I had my sister and mother with me. But I was still scared. One day I will write more about this particular feat, because it will probably be too incoherent with seemingly religious ramblings that I usually have when I speak about reading the epics by the Tungabhadra and about Hampi in general.

This entire section exists to help people that I have a very strong, and very particular phobia. I am not “scared of water” in the general sense of it. However, I have a very strong imagination and when I’m in the water, I remember these events extremely well.

Deciding to Learn to Swim

I was not really scared of swimming pools, as long as they’re well lit. But I never ever sat next to a pool and put my feet into the water. I’m only aware of putting my feet into the Tungabhadra river, because she is home.

In February 2023, I began wondering if I should learn to swim. It’s an unvoiced dream, something I’d harboured all my life and I’d never ever imagined that I’d ever do. I didn’t tell anyone because the idea that I would want to swim would usually be followed by “first, learn to go to the main bathroom at Hampi.”

My family never really went about addressing this fear well. They were dismissive of it, and, like I described above, my Paternal family was horrendous about this fear. I was a stubborn child. I only recently learnt how to process my fear.

Why did I decide to learn to swim in February 2023? It was an odd thing. I was looking at Coorg for my next workation trip, and chose a resort which happened to have a pool. I told myself, isn’t it odd that I selected such a resort and didn’t know how to swim or had ever so much as sat by a pool? I began wondering if it would be even possible to learn to swim. I had made new friends in 2022, Mehul and Susrita, who were both accomplished swimmers. I was wondering how feasible it was to learn to swim. I was 35, almost 36 when these thoughts went on in my head.

I told myself that I’d tell none of my family. And I didn’t tell anyone, except for my mother. My closest friends knew, and some of them knew just how important this was. Truth be told, I didn’t think I’d return to more than one class.

Enrolling for Classes

The pool at Zee Swim Academy, Kadugodi Bangalore

In February 2023, I decided to enroll for swimming lessons, and I began looking for schools around my house. I had other problems I somehow overcame thanks to a good friend. I have been anxious about my appearance since childhood. I was made fun of for being a fat child, and I’ve been left out of sports, games, and it eventually became such that I just hated being around other kids my age because of how alone they made me feel. To add to this, I especially hated wearing shorts. They would emphasize how fat my thighs were, and I didn’t want to relive this. I used to be the person who would wear jeans even in the hottest summers. In January 2023, I went to Auroville and had the toughest time walking around in jeans. While I switched to kurta trousers, I didn’t really have a great time with them either. My friend Shrayas joined me at Auroville for the first two days and while he was completely unaware of my feelings of self-esteem, he was strutting around in shorts and was rather nonchalant about it. It somehow struck me that I was being silly - although good luck to anyone who would have told me this to my face before my realization. I came back to Bangalore and began buying shorts. It is funny how I almost always wear only shorts now. I feel super comfortable wearing them, and if not for that one trip to Auroville and Shrayas telling me he’d join me on a mere whim, I would not have had that epiphany.

So in February, I was completely over my feelings for wearing shorts in public. I wore my shorts everywhere. I’m halfway certain that some of the shorts I wear now are mostly boxers, but shame be damned, I’m going to wear shorts.

So when my swimming lessons were to begin, I had the following concerns:

1. What gear to do I need?
2. Will the pool be sufficiently lit?
3. Will the coach throw me into the water for me to get over the fear?
4. Will I even go the second day?
5. Will I get powered swimming goggles? (I have myopia, and I am blind without my glasses.)

These were some of the questions I had, and I got answers for the glasses on Twitter. I was able to find powered swimming goggles and all the gear I needed at the Decathlon nearby.

I picked Zee Swim Academy just because it said it had a 50m long pool, and that it trained folks for competitions. The place has a great set of coaches for para-swimming competitions, and for state and national level children’s competitions. I enquired about the fees and signed up on February 9th, 2023.

Month One

Wearing a swim suit during my first week.

My very first day, I was taught a bunch of warmup exercises, and I was asked to get into the pool using the ladder at the shallow end. I didn’t know what to expect. The water was cold, but fortunately, I’d shifted to cold water baths in October 2022. I was asked to wade around the water, to walk around the wall, until the 15m mark. At 15m, my shoulders were inside the water. I’m 5'7", so the water was about 4" at that point. Then, I was asked to “bubble out”, which is to say, I put my head in the water, look around and exhale slowly. I was a little anxious, but managed to do this much. I did just this a couple of times that day, and after 30 to 40 minutes, was asked to get out of the pool and go home.

I was elated. I had entered a pool! I had put my head in the water! And I had not died!

The first month was all about getting comfortable with water on my face, learning to exhale underwater, and very slowly moving from 15m to 20m and then to the 25m mark. By the end of the month, I could barely manage 2 strokes of freestyle before I had to stand up because I couldn’t coordinate breathing with swimming.

The Litany Against Fear

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

— The Litany Against Fear, from Dune by Frank Herbert

This quote became my mantra. Every time I felt that familiar terror rising - when looking at the deep end, when trying to float, when attempting to go past the 15m mark - I would recite these words. Fear is the mind-killer, and I was determined not to let it kill my dreams.

Progress Through the Months

The detailed progression is tracked on my swimming journey page, but here are the key breakthrough moments:

March 2023: Managed to reach the 20m marker, but still capsizing during freestyle attempts.

April 2023: Took a 2-week break for travel, came back still struggling with 25m laps.

May 2023: The breakthrough month - my coach helped me dive into the deep end 2-3 times. This was huge for someone with my fears.

June 2023: Attempted swimming in my neighborhood pool but didn’t enjoy it. The controlled environment and familiar coaches at Zee were important for my confidence.

July 2023: Returned after a 45-day break, stuck to 25m laps but managed about 10 laps total by month end.

August 2023: The transformation month. Focused on leg skills with kickboard, built up to 35m laps, dove into deep end multiple times, reached 700m total session distance.

The first time I managed to dive into the deep end - a massive milestone for someone who couldn’t go past 15m initially.

Month two - building confidence and technique.

Making steady progress through the second month.

By August end, I was swimming 700m in sessions and loving every moment in the water.

Wearing a Jaws t-shirt to swimming class - embracing the irony of my water fears!

What I Learned

1. Fear can be faced, not conquered: I still have my phobia. I still can’t look at photos of stepped wells or temple tanks. But I learned to face the fear in a controlled environment and not let it control my choices.

2. Small steps matter: From 15m to 20m to 25m to 35m - every small progression built confidence for the next step.

3. The right environment is crucial: The well-lit pool, patient coaches, and familiar environment at Zee Swim Academy made all the difference.

4. Physical fitness follows mental breakthrough: Once I overcame the mental barrier, the physical progress accelerated rapidly.

5. Community matters: Having friends like Mehul and Susrita who encouraged me, and coaches who understood my fears, was invaluable.

Current Status and Future Goals

As of August 2023, I’m swimming 700m in sessions with a mix of freestyle, kickboard work, and backstroke. I can dive into the deep end, though I still can’t tread water confidently.

My goals going forward:

• Build up to 1000m sessions
• Master treading water in the deep end
• Improve breathing technique for longer freestyle stretches
• Maybe, someday, swim in open water (though that’s a distant dream)

The most important achievement isn’t the distance or technique - it’s that I faced my deepest fear and found joy on the other side. Every session in the water now feels like a victory over the scared 9-year-old who was traumatized in that temple in Hampi.

The Litany Against Fear was right: Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

You can track my detailed swimming progress with exact distances and dates on my Swimming Journey page.